The Secret of Gummiberry Juice --Posted by Crimson Wake @ 12:43 PST. Ah… the days of innocence, I remember when I would come running into the living room every Saturday morning singing the song to the Gummi Bears. We all remember the entire theme song right? Well for those who’ve forgot it went something like this: Dashing and daring, Courageous and caring, Faithful and friendly, With stories to share. All through the forest, They sing out in chorus, Marching along, As their song fills the air. CHORUS Gummi Bears, Bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventure that's beyond compare, They are the Gummi Bears. Magic and mystery, Are part of their history, Along with the secret, Of Gummiberry juice. Their legend is growing, They take pride in knowing, They'll fight for what's right, In whatever they do. CHORUS (Repeat first verse) CHORUS Gummi Bears, When a friend's in danger they'll be there, Lives and legends that we all can share, They are the Gummi Bears, They are the Gummi Bears, They are the Gummi Bears! Yeah! Anyways, when you think about Gummiberry juice, it was not that innocent. Yeah it made the Gummi Bears bounce around and manhandle their opponents with their arses. However, when humans drank it, it gave them super human strength. One could say that the entire show was an ad for steroids! Ah, don’t give me any lip about it, think about it whenever Calla or Cavin used the juice what was the next thing they did, throw a fit with trees and stuff. Man they lifted horses and people, like the freaking Hulk. Damn if that wasn’t roid rage at its finest, then I don’t know what else to call it. All in all the show was a landmark in my life; it kept me entertained. Every once in while when I catch it squeezing itself into a TV line up, I’d make time to watch it. It’s still very entertaining. On a scale of Awesomeness, I’d have to give the Gummi Bears a 7 out of 10. Just because of all the nifty gadgets they had, like the thunder carts, or the hidden spring loaded tree stumps, and who could forget the hidden passages. Words of Wisdom: Steroids are good for you; they help you pick up horses, people and stuff. So you can knock the beejeezes out of them. Also, it’s only a crime if you get caught, like those sport athletes of the 80’s.

October 13, 2003

PSA… Sex, Drugs, and… umm… SEX! --Posted by Crimson Wake @ 19:40 PST. Hey it’s me Crimson Wake again! Today we will touch upon the tricky subject of drugs… remember the good old days of the PSA (public service announcements). Man, growing up in the eighties, who could forget the anti-drugs propaganda. Then you had the nineties with the commercial staring Rachel Leigh Cook. Damn that girl was smoking, but she was one crazy bitch wielding a frying pan. Shit she tore through that kitchen like it was nothing, breaking dishes and what not. However, when she stopped to ask, “any questions,” my jaw hit the ground at how hot she was. DAMN! Well for one thing those service announcements worked for me. Yup, every time I saw the PSA on my tube I’d stop just to see if it was that crazy frying pan chick. I guess that was the point of those announcements… getting people to watch them; adding Rachel Leigh Cook to get the people to watch was a great idea. I commend the advertisers that decided on doing it. Think of all the countless boys you’ve saved by appealing to their boyhood fantasies. Hahaha… even to this day those ads ring in my ear, reminding me if I use drugs… some psychotic girl with a frying pan is going to whack me upside my head, and if she were as hot as Rachel, I would have to seriously debate on whether or not to let her beat me senseless. Nevertheless, I give the people who created these PSAs an 8 out of 10 on the awesomeness meter for thinking about how to reach the youth of America. Although probably 8 out of 10 youths in America still tried drugs in their teens, it was a valiant effort. As with everything there is always room for improvement, and with the Rachel Leigh Cook PSA there could have been more close-up shots of her angry face swinging that frying pan. DAMN, I just get the chills from thinking about that cute face puckered up for the next swing. Words from the Peace Pipe: Just say, “No!” to Drugs. However if you’re not the one buying then, “Yes please, now give me some more.”

October 4, 2003

Pirates that don't say Arrr --Posted by Crimson Wake @ 14:57 PST. Chongolongo… was that a flying monkey?! Man whatever happened to the cartoons of old. You know G.I Joe, Gobots, Transformers, and the like. That was quality programming back in my day. Everyday I’d come home from school and plop my fat ass in front of the tube and watch my cartoons. Then there was the special treat of Saturdays when they have the entire morning filled with the stuff. Man, I remember watching Pirates of Darkwater and waking up early to catch the reruns. However, as with all American cartoons it came to an abrupt stop, there was no conclusion, when the ratings where down they just yanked it. That was one of my favorite cartoons during my childhood. The sad part was that Pirates of Darkwater had a great story line and it was set up to have a great conclusion if only they decided to finish it. After some brief research I have come to the conclusion that the show was only pulled off the air because Americans just hate pirate themed stuff. If you look at all the movies that were remotely related to pirate stories, they rarely made any money in the entertainment arena. Pirates of Darkwater got shafted man, only after 21 episodes, all of which were great, it was pulled off the air. Fans of the show never got to see if Ren and his crew ever found the thirteen jewels that would defeat the plague of Darkwater and save the world. Darkwater was this black tar like organism that began to engulf the world. Man, the show was awesome. I had like this thing for the magic wielding chick man, she was all dressed all skimpy and look so freaking exotic. Look at what happens when you spend way too much time in front of the TV, you start fantasizing about cartoon characters. Anyways there’s a flying monkey that talked and this total badass pirate named Ioz. Ioz said totally badass pirate stuff like Chongolongo, and he made fun of all the other characters. So on a scale 10 to 1 of awesomeness: 10 being completely fucking awesome and 1 being bum fuck crap; I give this show 8/10. I only lowered the score because of those no-good producers that decided to yank the show in mid-plot. What the hell, were the producers thinking of when they decided to do that? Were they possibly smoking crack or high off the indo? Words of Wisdom: When you start something, you better the hell finish it… otherwise it’s gonna come back and kick the crap out of you when you’re not looking.

September 27, 2003

Wacky World of Sports: Curling --Posted by Crimson Wake @ 09:39 PST. Today we will look at the wacky world of sports. Here we will cover sports that people don’t notice or care about. Yes, there’s a whole world out there and I’m here to cover these competitive events, or at least familiarize your lazy asses about them. I’m doing all this so you can look cool while talking about curling or badminton. Damn, you Americans and your limited sports coverage. Where the hell is the coverage on lumberjacking competitions or turkey bowling contests? Man, when will you ever learn that there’s more to sports than football or baseball? So, here I am filling you all in on some great sports that apparently no one cares the fuck about. Curling is a sport retard, not a way to pump iron. The world of curling had the largest upset when the American curling team wrested victory from hands of the previously thought unbeatable Canadian team. As the Canadians cry for their fallen champions, the Americans as typical had muted celebrations for one day and promptly forgot the competition. Curling is a serious sport folks; it’s an art form on the ice. Where else do you get four middle-aged women on ice pushing 44lb stones down a 27 feet long lane? I get hot just thinking about it. The rules of the game are simple enough; try to get closer to the center of the target than the opposing team. Both teams take turns for 10 innings trying to out score the other team. This is where strategy comes into play, you can knock the opponents stones out of the way to gain a position closer to center. The only way this can be accomplished is by the targeting of the skip (the team captain that aligns the shot); she decides where the lead (the person who releases the stone) should send the stone on the course. Then the sweepers brush the surface of the ice ahead of the stone to insure it heads along the charted course. The only thing that I could think of that would improve this game is skintight outfits. Yeah, dress them up in speed skater outfits and they’ll get the media coverage that they deserve. Of course getting younger women to participate would help too. Words of Encouragement: Gold is only one crowbar away. If you beat up your opponent the night before you’ll be a shoe in. Just don’t get caught like Tonya Harding.

September 17, 2003

Goodbye Old Friend --Posted by Crimson Wake @ 21:35 PST. Greetings all, I’m Crimson Wake and I’m here to comment on everything T.V. That is anything and everything that is on television will be free game in my section of LU. Yup, I sit on my fat ass all day to watch the tube, basically, Riposte and the other assholes that work on the site continually bugged me about contributing and now I have found my freakin’ calling in this so called life. I learned that I’m a C.C.P. (Chronic Couch Potato), you know someone who sits in front of the TV and zones out. Anyways, I am here to keep you filled in on my channel surfing adventures, I may cover sporting events, sitcoms, and cartoons; a heck of a slew of mindless programming. Seeing to how I’m new on the block and the recent passing of John Ritter (A.K.A Jack Tripper) has got me all depressed, I dedicate my first piece to that great legend. He was a great character in Three’s Company. Come on, who the hell wouldn’t want to be him? Man, living with two hot chicks at that time. You got Suzanne Summers, and that Latin chick as roommates. You know if I lived in that apartment I would have holes drilled everywhere, the shower, their bedroom, and uh… I would probably try hitting on them all the damn time. You get a threesome or something, you know the seventies and sixties were swinger times and that’s what I would have been man, a freaking swinger. Then later on during the show they brought on another hot chick, I don’t remember their names, because that’s unimportant. John Ritter had it good on that show man, too bad the guy’s dead, I’m sure he would have a bunch of stories to tell about what happened behind the scenes, like the swinger’s parties or something. Words of Wisdom: When you have two freaking hot ass girl roommates one word comes to mind, Threesome.